A good friend of mine recently escaped a horrendously toxic relationship. I can’t stop congratulating him/her for dodging a massive bullet. I had my fair share of terrible relationships and while mine may not be as toxic as my friend’s it was as regrettable.
The thing is, when you’re in the situation it is really hard to see anything clearly. While many may tell you that you definitely should run… your heart says… no. “S/he may change”. “We may work things out”. “I have my own faults too”. “I contributed to this too”. Its really tough, and trust me I know. I remember when I was in a relationship with this horrible guy who wouldn’t stop threatening to break up with me, at one point I could no longer cry. My close friends asked me, “aren’t you tired of all these by now?”. I was, I definitely was; and yet I still didn’t leave him! I waited until he left me because I just doesn’t know how to initiate a breakup anyway ಠ⌣ಠ
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S/he does not mix well with your friends, and does not intend to
Hmm, I get it, not everybody get along. I don’t get along with every single Mojujuju’s friend either. But most importantly, there should be a sense of wanting to be amicable. We recently went to a group holiday in the forest where we celebrated Mr. Monday’s birthday there. Those friends were Mojujuju’s friends and each couple has a child. We had so much fun! Granted I’m quite introverted so I did stayed back for some social events but we were able to enjoy holiday together!
Meanwhile my friend’s ex came over to my place (I literally invited this person and cooked for this person), and s/he was offended (over absolutely nothing) and gave me a dirty look in my own house! S/he also proceed to “$£% about me to my friend and said s/he would never again hang out with me. Cool enough, maybe we just don’t get along; however this apparently also applies to all my friend’s other friends!!!
Like I said, you don’t need your significant other to be BFFs with your friends; but if s/he doesn’t get along with ANYONE even superficially, don’t you think there’s something wrong? Unless your friends consists of all high profile criminals and drug addicts, s/he should respect them enough to be able to socialise!
2. Wanting to change your core beliefs, whether you like it or not.
This applies on so many things but the easiest way to explain it is probably religion. I do think that introducing your religion to your lover is something really sweet and loving. Especially in my opinion, spirituality is a very personal thing; hence it’s a little like having to open up your entire self to this other person. And the end result is usually an acceptance, if not an embrace of the religion.
But sadly this isn’t always the case. Mojujuju did introduced me Christianity and while I appreciated it very much, my heart still doesn’t speak to me about it. I strongly believe that if I were to embrace a religion, I would embrace it wholly and completely. I just can’t have even a single doubt on it. I can’t say I’m a Muslim but I don’t fast. I’m a Christian but I don’t believe in Angels. And Mojujuju understood that. As I’ve mentioned, faith is a personal thing; and it should be up to the individual. It’s between an individual and ‘God’, no one else.
But when your significant other is forcing you to change your core belief, such as religion, even after you’ve tried your best and it still doesn’t resonate with you… why is s/he doing it?
3. It’s all your fault
I think this is the hardest one to realise because when you’re with a toxic person, they can really somehow brainwash you to the point you actually believe that you’re wrong!
S/he went out to flirt with others? it’s your fault for having to work overtime and leave him/her lonely.
S/he got angry and broke some belongings out of rage? It’s your fault for making him/her mad!!
You’re having trouble adjusting to this ‘new core belief’ she wanted you to believe in? It’s your fault for not trying hard enough.
Basically s/he could get away with things that goes against the mutual agreement of what an exclusive relationship is, because it must be something you’ve done.
Another massive red flag? Every relationship failure is because of his/her exes; never him/her.
4. S/he wants you to stop talking to your friends
This is when things start to get creepy. Why would a person who love you want you to stop any form of contact with your friends (especially those you’ve known for years before you met this person?).
It’s called social isolation; to isolate you from others so you will be more easily influenced by him/her
5. Threatening to break up
If you’re breaking up once a month, better say sayonara. Breaking up should be the last resort; not as a means to control the other person. If you truly have an issue and you’re NOT changing for the better, it’s logical to want to break up with you; but if you clearly suck, then s/he should just say goodbye to you. But why repeated break up threats? It’s just tiring.
