Recently my sister has been living with us when she’s not in her placement. She saw one of my storage acorn which she was like “AWWW this is such a cute container!”

Yes this was the acorn storage container that we somehow got from TKmaxx when we first move in.

“Oh that’s where I used to hid our condoms when we were still using them.” (we got much more reliable contraception now since we have TWO critters)

The trauma in her face was unimaginable.

P/s: Do forgive her innocence, she did just only obtained her 21-key-of-freedom 😂

“Why would you hide your condom here?!”

“ERM so that if we ever get robbed the robbers wouldn’t find our condom?”

“….. This is… Such a suspicious container. Like. Wouldn’t this be where they first search?!”

“I thought this container is really discreet? I mean… You wouldn’t think you can open this would you?”

“… No…. Its pretty obvious that you can open it…… Also why do you need to hide the condom in the first place? Shouldn’t you be hiding valuables?”

BUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIDING OUR CONDOMS? I WOULDN’T WANT RANDOM PEOPLE TOUCHING OUR PRIVATE THINGS!! like… What if they poke a hole just for fun?

So I bought a really cheap hair curler from Temu for about £2. And it works WONDERS.

Througout my teens I’ve been trying many different curlers… Foam curlers… Kawaii strawberry curlers… Hair rollers, even the weird ones that u have to hook your hair into individually!

Unfortunately they are either too labour intensive, tricky, time consuming, or just horribly unfriendly.

BUT THISSSSSSSS! Not only it curls my hair overnight, it also keeps my hair from flying everywhere at home. And I do think that it’s quite cute when worn 😂

The top knot did come off when I woke up. Not sure if it’s just me sleeping like an ogre… But the curler was still intact!

I would highly recommend it but then my sister told me I could have done the same thing with a pair of old stockings…. 😭

I am currently having quite a health scare. I basically have been losing so much weight that I was size 10-12 and now I’m size 6! All this happened within a year.

Remember after giving birth to Lil’Tuesday I vow to lose weight? Well… apparently my resolve wasn’t that strong and after probably 3 sessions of jogging and running I turned back into a couch potato. But instead of gaining weight or just having my weight being steady, they began to drop off me like flies!!!

Okay half of you are probably thinking “Oh good for her. Look at her complaining about effortless weight loss…smh”.

WELL NO. Unintentional weight loss is a massive red flag for malignancy aka cancer.

I was finally 50kg and was able to donate blood. Within 2 weeks it continued to drop to below 50kg and I could no longer be eligible for donation anymore!!! T____T

well at least I got to donate my blood at least once in my life…

I even tried on my shorts that I had when I was 18 and you know what… It’s so loose that it’s falling off my hips. DUDE, I WAS ALMOST AS THIN AS A TOOTHPICK WHEN I WAS 18. And now I’m… thinner than that?!??!?!

Why am I so afraid of having cancer — because I have 2 children.

Honestly if it wasn’t for Mr. Monday or Lil’Tuesday I’m seriously not bothered. I have firsthand seen my close friends who suddenly lost their mother living a completely different life than when their moms were there… No one is to be blamed, but I know if auntie was there, she would have wanted them to have a very different growing up experience.

I think what I’m most afraid of is that both Monday and Tuesday are so young… and the chances of them remembering me is so slim. Will they know just how much I love them? Will they know just how much I wish to be with them?

Anyhooooooo I finally got a GP appointment after months of trying. I think it’s because of the new law of GP surgeries not allowed to ask patient to call back another day for appointment…. I’m sure that law is going to break all GP surgeries but I’m just so bloody glad I got an appointment. They sent me for a blood test and immediately after the blood test they rang me telling me that they need to discuss my results face to face….. talk about anxiety — this is not making me feel any better.

No one should be losing this much weight by … sitting around.

I really hope I’m just another stupid hypochondriac ._.!!

Mini birthday party at an indoor softplay

Unfortunately I haven’t been updating my blog because my mental health is falling apart (again). It’s all got to do with the delayed construction of our home. As you all might already know, I’m a pretty homey person. So it really drives me mad living on a construction site!! I can’t take it. We have things everywhere because half the house isn’t usable. I am so ashamed to have anyone see our home let alone visit us!! ☹️

I can’t believe that Monday is now a whooping big 5! On the week we had my mother in law visiting. It was lovely to see her after so long. Sadly she had to leave early morning on the day of Monday’s birthday. But that’s okay because she got him a cake a few days prior to sing to him.

Ah how I hope my mom could come too 😞 my dad recently had surgery for cancer and is now recovering. AND Lil’Tuesday is currently stateless and doesn’t have a passport to travel 😭😭😭😭😭

Not only that, since I changed my job in February…. Things hasn’t been great. One of my patient died a week after being discharged to a care home. Honestly I didn’t think that patient would leave so soon. There’s so much office politics that really stresses me out. And I’m being pressured to make political decision because everyone wants to be politically correct and polite and leave the ‘choice’ to me. (how is it a choice when the only option you have is to carry out 2 person’s job because if you don’t, everyone will get upset?!)

Once a great place to work, now turned into a place I dread to go in daily because of these new politics. GUYS I JUST WANT TO DO MY WORK AND GO HOME TO MY KIDS 😭😭😭😭😭😭

The good news is, I decided to take 2 weeks annual leave so I can leave my workplace and get my ZEN back. I haven’t been meditating because of all these stressor (I know it’s so counter intuitive— imma go meditate a bit after this blog post 🤣).

I wasted my 1 week annual leave last week just DOING NOTHING. But thanks to that I think my energy is now replenished! 💪There’s oddly thunderstorms every night despite being super sunny the last 2 weeks. I’m not complaining because my lawn is literally burnt to crisp due to the heat! Any rain is highly welcomed 🤣

Mr. Monday and Lil’Tuesday in their awesome pool.

I hope all of you have a great week ahead of you! ♥️❤️

Happy Easter everybody! After years of asking Mojuju what Easter was about, I still can’t remember 😂 This year though he’s oncall so he can’t tell me about it.

I don’t know what you do on Easter but Mr. Monday collects eggs from the chickens and is made up with it. Lil’Tuesday however had quite a terrible time today. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 MMkay I shouldn’t be laughing but it’s SO FUNNY!

Basically we adopted a baby Cockerell called Jim today. He’s really a cute one and was just sitting quietly in his transport box. Chibi our cat walked into the living room while I was setting up an isolation enclosure for him and Jim started FREAKING OUT. Maybe it’s his first time seeing a cat….

Jim in his travel box

Anyhow Lil’Tuesday’s hand was by the box and Jim pecked her. SHE STARTED SCREAMING MURDER.

Never mind that, Lil’Tuesday then followed both Mr Monday and I out to the backyard but she was holding an apple pie on each hand (from McDonald’s). Somehow the chicken escaped without my knowledge and Monday was busy shooing them back into their enclosure while I was busy making sure Jim had food and drinks. The other chickens then started surrounding Lil’Tuesday (bear in mind Tuesday is only half a head taller than them).

Well she’s really not that tall…

They started nipping on her apple pie and she started screaming murder again.

Okay it sounds horrible but it was hilarious to watch. Well got to teach them young to protect their own food 😂🤣

I have been so busy this weekend clearing the garden and tidying up that I didn’t even notice it’s Easter today 😭 I guess it’s probably because I don’t celebrate it that it just left my mind. Instead, I’m more focused on Ramadan instead and have been making malaysian food in line with the celebration!

I also have been really homesick missing my parents recently that I cried in my sleep few nights ago 😭

To those who doesn’t know, I have moved on to another job (under same employer). Shockingly although the job is the same hours with increased duties (I will explain in a bit), my pay has been cut £600 pretax, £400 post tax!!

What the…

I obviously only found this out after my first pay. Which is alarming!

Ugh.

Not only that… I’m literally doing duties for two people (I’m not going to explain this, go figure 🙁 I’m sure you can guess why).

I’m asking my employer to protect my pay (which is a right we have) and was told that I might not be eligible. I don’t think this is right so I’m having ongoing dispute with them at present.

The only good news I have is that the current seniors and consultant in my new workplace actually acknowledge and appreciate my contribution and they will try to distribute the duties equally so it wouldn’t all fall on me. 😭 Just being appreciated this way really made me feel better: I have been moaning about how much I hate my job for the part 1 month, daily… To my sister!

Hence I will be striking for junior doctors in March: since I’m now only being paid £15.6 after my paycut!

WTF is £15.6???????????? There’s tons of jobs needing less qualifications I can do that would pay much higher than this peanut amount of money.

Those who knows me since my teenage years might know the rocky relationship I had with my mom. But since about a decade ago our relationship began to bloom. Some were curious about why and how things had changed so drastically for us. So I’d like to let you know just why my mom is the best mom in the world.

1. She did not give up on me.

I was actually born in times of poverty, when my dad was unable to feed an extra mouth. She actually received offers from other childless or daughterless parents to have me sold. But she didn’t. (This was very common back in the days in my country)

She bit her tongue and went back to work just in a week or so after I was born, in order to earn enough money to support my existance. When I was really young she used to show me the people who offered to buy and and said “no way in hell I’ll ever give my child away. I can never imagine having you calling me auntie… “.

Of course there are many parents in the world that simply isn’t as lucky as her to keep their children. I’m not pointing fingers to those who had to give up their children, but my point is …. My mom fought hard to keep me beside her.

2. Despite not being a physically affectionate person, she tries to give me the best in life.

I was born during the era where mothers are lied to by false advertisement that formula milk are better than breast milk. She didn’t just fed me formula milk. She fed me the most expensive formula milk on the shelf despite our family’s poor financial status. I believe it was called S22: which ironically its nutrition content is the most similar to breastmilk compared to other brands at that time.

I was also for some reason very sensitive to diapers. She had to use cloth diapers on me despite it being a massive fuss. One of my aunt actually commented that I was spoilt by being fed expensive milk AND being a ‘princess’ with my diaper situation. My mom was annoyed at that comment but nevertheless continued to provide me the best.

Unfortunately, mom isn’t a cuddly person. She’s kinda old school. She doesn’t hug or kiss and has a large personal bubble. I think I yearn for physical affirmation of love when I was younger, hence I always felt like something is missing. But now that I’m older, I could see that she simply has a different language of love.

3. She wanted me to feel loved.

My baby sister might be the favourite child, but I know she loves me too. Dad… isn’t the most responsive parent: he’s just… A better dad to teens than little toddlers. In fact he’s TERRIFIED of babies. Mr Monday was the first newborn he ever held—- because he flat refused to hold my sister and I when we were newborn. He’s so afraid of breaking and dropping us.

Mom would often try to compensate that. But when it’s time for Chinese New Year and our birthdays, dad would never remember. It was mom who would buy us presents and ang pau and pretend that it’s from dad. Of course as I grew older I realised this! But it really showed that she tries twice as hard.

You know what’s interesting? I find myself doing the same for Mr. Monday and Lil’Tuesday! 🤣 Mojojojo is really hopeless in remembering dates or even preparing gifts for the kids….

4. During our rocky years, mom was actually suffering alone.

We had a really bad relationship when I was a teen. She was always yelling… A lot of stuff happened. It took me to be an adult to see clearly what had actually happened.

Mom definitely had some form of postnatal depression. But mental health is something unspoken in my country – – – even now! Not only that, I was going through my teenage phase (do I need to say more?). Both of us were misunderstanding each other, one thing lead to another: suddenly I’m the world worst daughter. 😭 If only I knew what she was going through: but no one did. She basically went through such horrible time on her own.

Not only she possibly had undiagnosed PND, our house financial were so bad…. We were at one point struggling to put food on our table. Dad kept working harder and ended up away from home most days, and mom had to struggle on her own, with a newborn (my sister) and a hormonally imbalance teen (me). Mom never truly voice out financial concerns but I was smart enough to know.

When things started to look a little better, she then hit premenopausal phase of her life… It’d do sad that she couldn’t get a break in life.

5. She’s a commendable wife and mother

She has never once bad mouthed dad to us despite dad is a man, and generally all men are idiots 🤣. Dad never helped out at home, and she’d never breathe a word about it. Even when they had their own arguments (big or small), she’s always reluctant to let me know what dumb things dad did (dad’s a man, we all agree that men are always at fault right? 🤣).

Infact, mom would always tell us what an amazing person dad is. How kind he is, how family orientated he is. Even during arguments she would turn around and say “but always remember, your dad is a great father”. So I grew up with a very positive feelings for my dad.

Never once my mom spoke negatively of my dad so that I would side her in an argument. And I love that about her. I have seen too many toxic parents trying to weaponise their own child to attack the other parent/ex.

Never once she tries to manipulate me for her own benefit which I also first hand see a lot other toxic parents do.

6. But last of all, I know my mom has a kind heart.

I won’t deny she’s a little socially awkward; maybe that’s why my sis and I also grew up to be introverted socially inept people 😭. But beneath all her shy and awkward self is a kind, loving and selfless woman.

There’s 2 types of kind people: one be kind to BE a kind person. He or she might not expect any reward, but is seeking to accomplish the self ego of being kind. To gain the title as a kind person.

The second kind person are kind without even the thought of wanting to appear as a kind person, or be a kind person. He or she simply cannot turn their head away from suffering without lending a hand. This, is my mom.

Mom never spoke about her kindness or helping hand. She gives and feeds others without ever wanting anyone to know. She often offer car ride to elderly pedestrian when I was young— and I only know this because I WAS IN THE CAR! But no one ever knows about it except me. She used to carry dead cats from the middle of the road to the side whenever we come across one bring hit by others car. She also often bring other children who are less fortunate to go for movies and meals.

What I love about her is that she never, ever, ever told anyone : or feel the need to be acknowledged for all the love and kindness she gave to others.

SO YES, after a stormy teenage and early 20s years, I have come to realise I have an amazing woman as my mother and I am forever grateful for her. ❤️

P/s: yes I’m a shitty daughter to realise this so late but better late than never!

For my friends and acquintances who reside in the U.K. “strike” is no longer an unheard word recently. It appears that the entire country is on strike; from postmen, to railway workers, from nurses to ambulance workers. Today, I found out that even the teachers are also on strike starting next Wednesday.

Junior doctors' strike: NHS medics walkout for fourth time across ...

These aren’t the only people on strike. There are other unions and professions balloting to go on strike for fair and equal pay, including doctors. Doctors are demanding to have their pay restored (not “raised”) and does not want to work with the NHS pay review bodies (who have done absolutely nothing but undermine every healthcare workers’ pay).

BBC recently interviewed BMA regarding this and the interview really made my blood boil. First of all, majority of doctors aren’t really great at being interviewed; we’re more of an interviewer really. The BMA rep was basically bombarded with rethorical questions such as ‘do you think increasing doctors’ pay by 30% is truly the priority right now? Given the state of the NHS at the moment and the issues with nurses and ambulance poor pay?’

The interview made doctors look unreasonable in trying to request for a fair pay for the amount of work and responsibilities placed upon us. Because NHS is crumbling, because nurses are paid significantly lesser than doctors: we should also be paid poorly?

Let me break down the statement above to you while we are being paid £16 an hour:

P/s: disclaimer: anything below is my personal view and does not represent any other doctors in the NHS.

1. NHS clinical service is currently kept afloat on doctors’ conscience

Despite having our pay rise significantly cut below inflation value— despite our salaries being so low that half of us could not afford mortgages, we STILL continue to work for the NHS and give it our all.

This means over time – with no extra pay. Of course a system has been in place back in Jeremy Hunt’s era for doctors to claim back extra hours but this system is so very flawed. The specific department would have to fork out the money (not the trust or management) and the clinical director would have to carry out a meeting with the specified doctor. Instead of being paid, we’re advised to improve our time management, to take extra breaks (eventhough it’s impossible). Lastly they would try to offer us a few hours off during next working hours— which will not happen because our bleeps will be bleeping like a hungry baby pigeon.

“Many other jobs also have unpaid hours especially artist’s and those in marketing. What makes doctors special?”

Nothing makes doctors special. You’re right. But the difference between those jobs and a doctor is that you have to do those unpaid hours to keep your job. But a doctor don’t.

We aren’t paid enough to do overtime. But we still do it, because if we don’t who will? In the end, it is not our employer who suffers but patients. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we doctors just don’t have the heart to do so. It is why we became doctors – – – to help those in need.

Can you imagine a world where the doctor clocks out at 6pm sharp despite the patient bleeding to death?

The government is taking advantage of our traits, commitment and hippocratic oath!

2. Being a doctor means dedicating your entire life to the public

When you start medical school, it is a sign up for a massive commitment. Your entire life would be about medicine. While my non medics friends are hanging out, I had to constantly refuse because we have SO MANY EXAMS. I studied insanely hard to graduate with honours. But it wasn’t just that.

After graduating we are to carry out housemanship where second phase of intense training begin. While in medical school you’re learning, during our housemanship we are to work, while working, while bracing ourselves to carry out clinical procedure that we likely have not done on real patients before.

We are to keep a portfolio every year to ensure we are STILL competent to be a doctor. The portfolio is a pain in the ass. Some specialties require so many entries that we have to literally spend hours weekly to update it at home.

You also don’t automatically progress up the ladder. It all depends on whether there are training spaces (very competitive). And after you get a spot, you need to (again) carry out your portfolio well, compete with your colleagues to complete certain rare procedures, while carrying out daily duties caring for your patients.

Can I also remind you that we have major exams to pass as well to progress? These are much harder than medical school finals and cost us a couple of grant each time! Even after ending up as a consultant or a full fledge GP, we are required to continue our education on our own.

3. You will be spending A LOT to keep your job as a doctor.

Now I know that every job has their own cost but we are required to pay Gmc (medical Council), Bma (Union) , MDU/MPs (defence union) every year as well as membership fee for our respective specialty. This would often cost £2k-4k depending on your rank.

As you progress you might have to start purchasing extra medical equipments for yourself, and paying £2-3k for your exams. Of course if for unfortunate reasons you did not pass your exams, you have to pay again to retake them.

4. Okay so training while working, portfolio, is that it? NO.

You’re required every year to carry out an audit or quality improvement project outside of your working hours. These are obviously unpaid, but if you don’t carry them out, the NHS will not improve and it’s service will not be adequately evaluated.

Why we are not paid for audits is beyond me, but it’s a mandatory part of our training.

Besides trying to carry out live saving duties in the day, we are also required to teach and guide medical students that are posted in the hospital. Sometimes it’s so hard to find extra time to listen to their clinical history and plans, we have to skip lunch or go home late….

5. We are responsible for nearly everything.

The moment you graduate and work as a first year doctor, EVERYONE will look at you for help. Despite phlebotomist having 8-10 years of taking blood, despite nurses having over 2 years of experience on every procedure, if they fail they will look for the doctor.

It doesn’t matter if it’s your first day of being a doctor— EVERYONE WILL BE DEPENDING ON YOU.

Who deals with patient complaints? Doctors.

Who deliver bad news if patient died? Doctors. (even if its not the doctor who found the person)

6. Whether doctors should be altruistic or not, we still have family to feed and bills to pay.

One of the most ridiculous argument I have heard is that doctors should be altruistic, and not “money minded” as they knew they need to be—- in order to be a doctor. And if they can’t, they should leave the field.

I am gobsmacked at the comment. Let’s be honest, no matter how much you love your job, you need to be paid adequately for your effort RIGHT? How more altruistic should we be— after literally keeping the NHS alive on declining salary? When is enough, enough?

You cannot have a kind and caring doctor and pay them breadcrumbs

Despite the difficulty of the job, we remain doctors because we care. If we aren’t caring, we really won’t remain in this demanding job.

7. Not every doctors are middle-upper spoilt brat.

I commonly hear general public commenting that doctors are all from middle class peeps who had never suffered or go through difficulties. Always financially dependant on parents and have their head above the clouds about how much they should be earning.

I will be 100% honest with you: my parents aren’t from middle class and my father sacrificed A LOT to make me a doctor so I could have a better financial security and future. I did have partial scholarship for my outstanding academic results which helped, but I also worked parttime after my study hours for my bills and expenditures.

Bottom line, one of the reason I worked so hard to be a doctor is to improve the financial situation of my family. I did not become a doctor to be paid £16 per hour.

8. Every job has its own occupational hazard. Doctors aren’t excluded.

You may think that every healthcare workers have similar occupational hazard: but the risk isn’t similar. Logically speaking nurses and doctors are at highest risk of any form of infectious hazard

I have experienced many times where other healthcare workers refusing to take bloods from HIV positive or TB positive patients and lie that they have tried – – – can’t get it, so who’s responsibility is it? Doctors.

Pandemic isn’t even over yet and everyone has forgotten the amount of doctors and nurses who had passed away from COVID-19.

Because most of the needle works are carried out by doctors (and some amazing nurses), risk of needlestick injuries and contracting possible HIV and hepatitis B is higher than other careworkers.

9. PTSD is just another occupational hazard

Many doctors are hesitant to admit any form of mental health issues relating to their job, especially PTSD but it is the white elephant in the occupation.

It is there, it is a massive problem. But nobody ever talk about it.

It’s really not easy watch people die as a daily part of the job: especially when you’ve been treating the patient for months (or years as a GP). What’s worse is the keep calm trying to deliver the news to wailing families.

Some doctors are extremely careful or defensive wuen it comes to certain conditions— sometimes to a level of being unreasonably careful. We call this defensive practice. Yes it’s usually caused by fear of legal repercussions BUT no one talk about PTSD being one of the reason why.

10. The morale amongst NHS doctors are all time low.

After the revamp of junior doctor contract in 2016 by Jeremy Hunt, the morale amongst doctor has gradually drop over the years.

From enthusiastically working overtime to care for patient’s needs— now most of us felt like ‘we not paid enough to care’.

Poor salary equates to poorer financial status, causing more doctors to take up extra locum shifts to earn extra cash. Not only it impacts doctor’s work life balance, family life, but also physical and mental health.

This then eventually lead to mental health crisis, or just general physical health deterioration. Doctors have been taking more sick leave than before.
If you truly want NHS to survive, you need to pay all health workers the pay they deserve, including doctors.

But that is the irony. Because it’s clear that the Tories does not want NHS to survive. Now they successfully Brexit, they no longer need to follow EU healthcare system of having equal access of healthcare; and they can privatise NHS like other ‘free countries’.

OMG did you realised today is Friday the 13th??? Σ(°△°|||)︴

I didn’t actually. But I had a horrible horrible shift today with lots of insanely lengthy cases. I also felt that I have been booked patients who did not actually need to be seen…. but because they have been booked; I can’t not see them. 。゚( ゚இ‸இ゚)゚。 And unfortunately the entire consultation was insanely difficult due to the patient’s co-morbidities or legal issues.

I was whining to my colleague and they said to me

Well it’s Friday the 13th!!!

I actually have no idea what Friday the 13th signifies. ゚(o ̄▽ ̄o) But I know that this is the MOST TIRING shift I had since I started working here 6 months ago (T▽T)

Good news is that Mojuju has finished his row of nightshift, and I no longer have to deal with the kids on my own after work. (≖ლ≖๑ )フ (Throws Mr. Monday to Mojujuju). I don’t think Mojuju knows just how much Mr. Monday misses him whenever he is not around. He’s so lazy that he wouldn’t even brush Mr. Monday’s teeth with him and leave him to his own devices. When I asked him to do it, he kept saying that Monday could do it on his own. ヽ( ̄~ ̄ )ノ Well of course he could, but that doesn’t mean he wants to. He misses Mojuju so much that every second and every activity would calm his sensitive soul down and have him to behave better.

Ah, but you know men. They don’t really think far ahead about anything

Since realising that Monday is a highly sensitive child, I have been noticing many different things that would drive his behaviour sideways ..・ヾ(。><)シ. And actually many of it is loneliness and wanting some affection. Sadly because Lil’Tuesday is still a baby and is very cute, she gets most of the attention. Monday kind of act out to get the same attention and has developed some annoying habits such as whining like a baby. ಥ_ಥ But Mojuju doesn’t see why he’s doing that. I’ve also been reading books and materials about highly sensitive children and it really helps!

There’s so much to learn about my own child who I MADE cell by cell. Life is such a mystery, and as Buddha always say; nothing is permanent. Not even the baby you made. He is now his own person and I need to know him all over again (つ・▽・)つ⊂(・▽・⊂)

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