I’m going through some adjustment with my medications due to side effects and it is really affecting me mentally. (⌯˃̶᷄ ﹏ ˂̶᷄⌯)ﾟ  The entire week has felt really grim and dark, and I have neglected everything at home and get by with just the bare minimum. (´Д｀。)

The house is a total nightmare and mess, but luckily my sister is around to help out. (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡ Words can’t describe how much I appreciates her every little help that I could barely fit on my plate.

I’m kinda sad today because I felt like I went to work with my heart left at home. ☆⌒(> _ <) Then early morning I had a patient who spent over 30 minutes complaining about her life and how unfairly she has been treated by everyone in her life— which was totally irrelevant with the problem that the consultation was about. Not to mention this person had THREE separate consultations in the last 7 days and the appointment today was completely unnecessary! Can’t really stop her; but I really felt so mentally exhausted listening to her. (╥﹏╥) I tried offering solution, or offering to mediate the situation but to no avail.

Anyhow the rest of the day was just be barely getting by.

I do enjoy home visits — seeing patients at home who could not attend the clinic has made me feel like a true doctor. However today is just not ”it” for me. I was told to carry out a visit when I was nearly at the end of my shift, trying to prep for an assessment. I wished someone else could do it; because I really felt like I couldn’t, but I also did not know how to say it. Do I just say that I am ‘not feeling myself’? I don’t want to use my mental health as an escape; I don’t want people to lose respect towards mental health thinking that we abuses it to just get things our way!

I ended up carrying the home visit; to the very patient who has previously been racist to me. Okay, now my entire being is just dreading to get into the door. The patient then refused to speak to me, or answer any of my questions. (Ｔ▽Ｔ) <—- I SERIOUSLY WAS CRYING INSIDE MY HEAD. I tried my best to console the patient to allow me to examine and to a physical check at least; which I guess did kind of happen. (half the examinations were refused but essentially I could confidently sign him off as not acutely unwell). (´▽`).

THEN MY ANXIETY KICKS IN

p/s: Okay I hate it when this happens at work. Last Friday I almost sent a patient to A&E because I was so terrified she might have a subdural — from the history given to me on the phone. Luckily our senior / partner GP told me to see the patient first. (She’s fine lol. all examination was clear -_- idk why I was so terrified).

SO, if I were asked to see this person at home, I’m sure something must be off right?!!!! So I started digging and digging and bother my colleagues to get extra details, asking them if my management plan was alright. ETC ETC. (」＞＜)」OCTOOOO why do you do this all the time!!! Anyway, until now I’m not sure if I did the best for the patient. #help

When the time comes for the assessment, I’m totally out.

I could barely hold myself together let alone carry out a formal assessment. Of course I did badly, but I could see why.

I am so exhausted. 

My mind feels like it’s scattered everywhere

Everyone at work told me I look fabulous today.

Sometimes I wish someone would notice how I feel like I’m slowly shattering from the inside.

But I love them, my co-workers. I really love spending time with them. They make me laugh, and they make me feel ‘normal’. One of my senior told me today that he noticed that I am really good at safeguarding; and that I seem to have many different approach to it. (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) Thanks for making my day feel better (not that you’ll ever read this haha!)

But you know what, tomorrow will be a new day. And tomorrow will a better day.