I briefly wrote about attending parenting classes with Mojujuju in our Chester Zoo blog post and actually got quite a number of friends asking me about it. I think it’s something every parents wish to sign up for but not something everyone get to. Afterall, don’t we all just ‘wing’ it? ╮(╯∀╰)╭

I don’t think I’m one of those ‘hippie’ parents that goes ‘don’t ever say no ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡ (while the child is holding a nuclear bomb)’, ‘let their creativity flourish! ♡ ～(‘▽^人) (by wrecking the whole superstore)’, ‘my unicorn baby is the best °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°’.. LOL. In fact I’m actually a pretty old-school kind of parents that Mojujuju really hates.

I’ll tell you from the beginning how I ended up in the class;

It all began when I reported Mr. Monday’s challenging behaviour when I was pregnant with Little Tuesday. We all expected toddlers to be challenging especially when their mother are expecting. My mobility was severely affected, so was my mental health. Unable to carry out most of our favourite past time together, Mr. Monday started having massive meltdowns and tantrums. There were even days where Mojujuju and I resorted to spanking his bum because he was just so uncontrollable (T⌓T). (Malaysian parents who’s reading this must be having a laugh lmfao because spanking is such a daily-common occurrence back home— but please continue reading to find out WHY you shouldn’t spank your kid).

Spanking Mr. Monday only made me feel worse about the whole situation

My beloved specialist midwife then referred Mr. Monday and I to the children centre which a lovely lady Ms. C then took over our ‘case’. It was important for Mojujuju to join us, (shh just between us okay?) because I felt that his parenting method is very chaotic and undisciplined, causing Mr. Monday to get very confused, leading to even more tantrums. Just imagine your mom telling you that you have to eat at the dining table, then having your dad to say that you can do whatever you want as long as you don’t cry — now imagine that you’re a 3 year-old.

Long story short, Ms. C then felt that we would benefit in a group parenting course (they called it the ‘nurturing course’) that she was leading while we still have private sessions regarding handling Mr. Monday’s behaviour. The group consists of parents from different background, culture, relationships and even career but one thing in common (and also most importantly), is that we are all wanting to be better for our children.

As you know, life doesn’t come with instructions. Neither do marriage or parenting. But what’s important is that we are not the first parents, and there has been many generations of parents and many different parenting styles that have been tested. And through all these experience (or research), humanity have came up with somewhat an instruction for us to be a parent. So learning about it, would make our lives as parents more fulfilling, to raise happier children and most importantly, makes our job easier as parents!

I don’t know what you think about parenting classes, but I always thought it’s gonna be something tacky like ‘WHY WE SHOULDN’T HIT OUR CHILDREN’, or ‘FACE YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’. There is some element of it, but these ‘nurturing course’ really isn’t all about that. There is a lot of reflection going on throughout the classes. When I say reflection, I don’t mean the typical ‘Ah, I see, I do this as a parent because my parents did this to me’. No, really, no. It’s way more profound than that. The course really make you have an epiphany that would stick with you.

I’ll give you an example (just one, because no way I’m gonna squeeze in 4 months of courses into a post), the easiest one, about hitting / shouting at our child — this is what we went through in today’s session. All you had to do is fill in the blanks below;

When I get hit/scolded as a child, I feel _______

Then I learnt that ______

And I felt ______ towards the person who hit me

For me, when I get hit by my mom as a child I felt really scared. I also learnt to read my mom’s mood after she comes home from work (so I don’t get hit LOL) but most importantly, I eventually learnt that I am a bad child (because if I deserved to be hit, I must be bad). I felt angry towards my mom, but ironically I then also constantly seek for her approval (even until today).

Now fill in the blanks below;

When I hit my child, I want him / her to _______

And I felt _______

For me, when I spanked Monday in the past, I really wanted him to learn that he has done something really wrong and that he should realise his mistake. And I felt like I have failed him after spanking him; because why can’t I teach him without spanking him???

Now compare your answer from the 1st sentence to the 4th. Do you see the difference? I think it’s most effective when done in a group because there would be multiple answers for you to visibly see the difference.

What I’m trying to say is; spanking Mr. Monday will not teach him that he has done something wrong. All it does, is making him feel scared; just like how I was hit as a child. Did I learn that I was wrong? No, instead I learnt that I was a bad child. Is that something I want Mr. Monday to feel? No! Because he is a good child, and he is really a good boy.

Please read this disclaimer first!

Disclaimer: Although I have mentioned about my mom, and you might also think about your mom / dad / or even grandparents hitting you when reading the paragraphs above (c’mon every Asian kid get rotan la, so I know u also kena ok?), I hope you don’t hold it against them; as I will not hold it against my beloved mom. I think we all try our best as parents, with the information we have in hand. Back then, being able to feed me as a child was more of a priority; and having a fully obedient child would make it much easier for my parents to focus on making more income. No one ever told them that hitting children may impact on them when they grow up. No one offered them parenting classes. They also likely to have learnt their parenting style from their parents. I think my mom has indeed tried her very best, and I am very thankful for that. MOST IMPORTANTLY as Ms. C said “many not-great-parenting-styles are passed down from generations to generations but it only takes one single person to break that chain, and the fact that you made an effort (by attending the course / reading self-help book or whatever) shows that the chain HAS already been broken“.

After attending the parenting classes together (as a couple), our parenting styles has somewhat get more consistent. Mojujuju and I are now more-or-less on the same page when it come to dealing with Mr. Monday. I’m not lying when I say that Mr. Monday’s challenging behaviours have improved dramatically. He is now able to be reasoned with (and no, trust me it has nothing to do with his age or the fact he is maturing, although understanding complex ideas is related to age). Mojujuju has also learnt to involve Mr. Monday in his daily chore— where as previously he would never allow Mr. Monday to go anywhere near him (eventhough I kept telling him that Monday CAN help out in the garden / cooking / cleaning). And by involving Mr. Monday, eventhough it is just some mundane housechore, it is actually precious quality time together to Mr. Monday; with that, he is less likely to act-out for attention. When was the last time we even spank him? I don’t think we will ever have to, or want to again!

P/s: Remember, when a child misbehave on purpose (as in, they know it’s wrong but do it anyway), it is likely that they are craving for your attention. Because they are young and have a premature frontal lobe, any form of attention, even though it is negative (eg. scolding), would mean that their mission has been accomplished..

So my verdict on parenting courses; if you find one, go for it. Before I joined this course and if you ask me about it, I’d be like…. “Uh… maybe not… Sounds like a waste of time”, but after experiencing the course first-hand, I think every parents should experience it. Our children are the future of the world, and children who are brought up well, would most likely make the world a better place in years to come.